In This Life
by Miss Yvonne Hartman
Summary: Her breath broke over my skin as I beat on against the waves, continuing towards this beautiful, beautiful girl marooned on an island of her own creation. Tollie.


_In This Life_

Her breath broke over my skin as I beat on against the waves, continuing towards this beautiful, beautiful girl marooned on an island of her own creation.

Dedicated as a Christmas present to the stunning HaveNoMercy!

I don't own Smallville...

AN: This is a bit different to my usual style and one day may become a full length fic, but for now it is a small one-shot. I was moved and inspired by 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green, and this is a slight allusion to the episode Toxic and of course, the unending Tollie romance. Enjoy.

XxX

The university library is not a place I'm very familiar with. I live on the football field or in the unibar. A scholarship to play on the Harvard football team was good, but it comes at the cost of keeping up a credit average in subjects.

I hadn't been doing that well in classes and two of my lecturers had warned me that if I didn't apply myself in the midterms, then my place on the team might come up for review.

Assholes.

So that day, the day I met_ her_, I went to library. It was a Wednesday, I only had lectures in the morning and shrugged off my friends with a half-assed excuse at lunch, and stepped into the air conditioned silence of the library.

I didn't really know where to start. My politics subject had a vague essay on a topic of our choice due in a month and there was a three hour exam for business law, so I figured that I could get some books and work on those.

But the books were tedious and I ended up in the DVD section, flicking over old nineties TV shows and feeling bored.

I was contemplating leaving. I shouldn't be here. And they wouldn't take me off the team, they need me as quarterback too much to do that. I turned to leave and then I saw her.

I don't remember her as being particularly out there. She was wearing skinny jeans and a plain, long sleeved white top. But her hair was a vivid scarlet that tumbled down her back and her skin was pale. She noticed me, her eyes bright green and she looked away quickly while I could do nothing but stare openly. Then she glanced back at me and smiled and I knew I was a goner.

I had never believed in love at first sight. I've had girlfriends, plenty of them, but they've never made me just… stop… like this girl had.

I found out that the redhead's name was Tess. She was studying marine biology (which explained how I'd gone through two semesters at Harvard and never seen her before) and was famous on campus for being an ice queen. As far as my well connected friends could tell, she'd never had a boyfriend, never been seen at uni parties, and didn't have many friends.

She was the most interesting girl I'd ever met. Or not met, considered I hadn't worked up the courage to talk to her yet.

I started haunting the library in the hopes of running into her. I'd find a table a few rows away from her and watch her study. I watched the tight knit of concentration on her flawless face. The way she seemed to close, box like into herself as she sat there for hours. I wondered if her degree was hard, and that was why she studied so much. But friends found out that she was a natural genius. They called her a snob, which annoyed me, she wasn't a snob at all.

It was Christmas when she started talking to me. She. The snow was heavy and pretty and she was wearing cute gloves. She walked right past my table and, even though she denies it to this day, I swear she dropped that textbook on purpose.

I felt very suave when I turned returning her textbook into coffee, and she agreed. She hit me with devastating smile after devastating smile as we went downstairs and waited in line at the little campus coffee shop. We started talking, the generic uni student talk – what's your degree, what are your subjects, what year are you in? It was good to stick to those at the start. My heart was pounding every time she smiled or ducked her head to sweep her red hair behind her ear. It was amazing, to sit in the window of the coffee shop with this stunning girl while the snow fell outside.

The conversation moved around to Christmas and I invited her to a friend's party which after considering, she agreed to go with me. As a friend. I arranged to pick her up and at the party I got her drinks and introduced her to my friends, Clark and Lois, who were mercifully civil that evening.

"So what do you want for Christmas, Oliver?" She asked towards midnight.

I just looked at her, her big green eyes, holding her gaze for until she blushed and looked away.

We didn't need mistletoe. I kissed her and she melted against my arms, kissing me back. But if was too brief, she was already pulling away, leaving me wanting more.

"Sorry." She shook her head.

"It's ok." I said gallantly, a little disappointed on the inside. But then she smiled again.

"Come on, let's dance?" she pulled me to the small dance floor and a slow song was playing. "Merry Christmas, Oliver."

"Merry Christmas, Tess."

But underneath her smiles there was a … darkness, almost. A sadness that I couldn't put my finger on. I know why she was so reserved now. I understand her shy smiles and her reluctance to hang out after that short, wonderful coffee date. But at the time I was a little confused, even though I was already lost, swept way out to sea by the ocean in her eyes.

XxX

Tess was hard to catch after that first kiss. But I couldn't get her out of my mind and I persuaded her to have coffee again. And again. And then lunch. And before long we were hanging out between classes and spending long hours on the lawn, talking about everything and nothing, but definitely not the kiss which she was pretending had never happened. My charming, funny, crazy yet unofficial, girlfriend. Our second year of uni slipped by so quickly. She would help me with my finance subjects because she was wicked smart at math, and I would try to help her marine biology by proof reading her essays, but I wasn't quite as good as Tess was.

I won't lie, I was so in love with her. But she was a little cool, a little shy, and I knew that this time I needed to let her make the next move. It needed to be on her terms that this turned from friendship into dating.

It was around September when I started to notice that Tess wasn't well. She was slower, out of breath more quickly. Sometimes we wouldn't talk, she would lean against me on the lawn and stay silent for a long time, watching red and gold leaves spiral to the cold ground. But whenever I asked her if she was ok, she'd always reply with, 'Fine, Oliver. Don't worry.'

But I did worry.

I could do little else but think about Tess, what she was doing, thinking. My grades were bare passes to keep my in the scholarship and on the team. I could do better but I didn't care. I'd have plenty of time to study before the exams. Right now, I wanted nothing else but for Tess to be my girl.

We were on her bed watching movies on her laptop, her roommate was gone for the afternoon and halfway through _Love Actually_ – a film I was only tolerating because the cramped space meant Tess' thigh was pressed against mine – I gently took hold of her hand.

She didn't pull it away, so I kept hold. And three quarters of the way through the film, I moved my hand to her hip, drawing her attention away from the film so her deep green eyes met mine.

"Tess."

Her teeth dragged across her bottom lip for a moment before she smiled, "Oliver?"

She was so pretty. I wasn't thinking. I leant forwards and lowered my lips against hers, feeling stars shoot to the end of my hair as her hands came up to rest on my shoulder blades. She was kissing me back, Tess Mercer was kissing me back and sighing against my lips and brushing a hand through my hair.

I was thrilled, trying to not grin from ear to ear when she suddenly pulled away, shaking her head and scooting to the far end of the bed.

"What's wrong?" I asked, all the good feeling gone at the sight of her pale, worried face, and the sound of her laboured breathing. "Tess, are you ok?"

She shook her head, looking as if she wanted the earth to swallow her up.

"Please go." She said.

"What?" I was taken aback.

"Oliver, just…" she swallowed, shaking her head again. I moved closer to her, taking hold of her hand again and resting it on my thigh, trying to comfort her without frightening her. I kept my mouth shut and she started talking, her voice shaky. "I'm… I've been sick. Really sick. It's a darkness. Cancer. In my chest." She was pressing the tips of her fingers to the space between her breasts as she spoke, but it was like she had suddenly gone underwater to me. I couldn't work out what she was saying. Tess didn't have cancer! She was so healthy. So vibrant. But as my brain slowly processed her words I started to realise – the short breath, the paleness, the tiredness.

"I understand, if you want to leave." She said, breaking my train of thought. "I know I wouldn't want to be stuck with a dying girl."

"Don't be stupid, Tess. I'm not going anywhere."

"I was in remission for so long, but… I think it's coming back. And I had some tests and … if you want to go, I'll be ok with it."

"I only just found you, Tess." I say through the tightness in my throat.

She shook her head. "I'm like a hand grenade, just waiting to go off. And I don't want to hurt you when I die." And the tears started to fall. "Because I don't want to die. And I'm scared. I'm so scared, Oliver."

I think she is the bravest girl I've ever met. I could only hope to have half of her courage, and her spirit. And I want to tell her that she just needs to be brave a little longer, but somehow that's not what she needs to hear right now. I pull her into my arms, she doesn't protest, exhausted by her fear. I held tightly to the hand grenade of her body, resting my cheek in her soft red hair.

"It's ok to be scared. I'm scared too, but… I like you, Tess. I think I love you. So you're not going to be alone in this." I whisper. So is this love, I think, this deep surrender to one's body and heart? Giving over to another person entirely?

"Oh Oliver… I think I love you too." She breathed and her breath broke over my skin as I beat on against the waves, continuing towards this beautiful, beautiful girl marooned on an island of her own creation.

XxX

I think she was glad that she didn't have to be alone when the doctor gave her the bad news and she was thrown into full scale war on the cancer in her chest. I did what I could. I stayed with her in the hospital, rubbing her shoulders when the chemo drugs made her so desperately sick. I spent hours in the library doing as much research as I could on her illness. I did everything I could to keep her spirits up when her beautiful red hair started to fall out in chunks, from distracting her with funny films to holding her while she sobbed.

She tried to tell me that day that I should leave. Giving me a chance to go. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. I guess that was what Tess was trying to do, shut out the world and isolate herself so that she wouldn't do damage. But as I held her close I realised that I wanted to be scared. My life would never be the same without her. I loved her with every fibre of me, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I reminded her that I loved her. Then told her again, so she wouldn't forget.

And soon it was Christmas, and things weren't looking good. The doctors gave me grave looks, my friends started to voice their concerns. Tess was getting weaker and the worry was driving me crazy. I hadn't been sleeping, I hadn't played football for weeks. All I wanted was for Tess to be ok again.

It was snowing outside, Tess' bed was in a private room with a window and she was bundled up to keep from the chill, with so many layers of clothes and a knitted beanie that I could hardly see anything of her but her stunning eyes.

"Look at all the snow." She breathed, her gaze drifting behind my shoulder. I nodded assent at the flurries of powdery stuff. She should be out throwing snowballs, not lying here like this. "What do you want for Christmas?" she asked me. "I think it's ok for me to get my… boyfriend, something for Christmas, right?"

Tess hardly references our relationship like that. It warms me to hear her call me her boyfriend. I leant over and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She's still so delicate that even the common cold could finish her. I don't want to kiss her and make her lose her breath or get sick.

"I don't want anything. I just…" I don't cry, I don't cry. "I just want you to get better, Tess." I'm crying. "That's all, the only thing I want."

I covered my eyes with my hand, trying to breathe while Tess' gloved hand rested on my head.

"I can't… promise… but I'll try…" she said, slumping back on the pillows. I felt her hand flutter. "Oh… it's so cold, Oliver."

"Should I call a doctor?" I reach for the emergency button but she shakes her head.

"Just… keep me warm?" she asks and I don't deny her request. I gently lie down beside her, cradling her in my arms. "I love you, Oliver." She said.

"I love you too."

XxX

I did get my Christmas wish. Tess got better. Slowly, after many treatments and some terrifying moments, she pulled through. The cancer left her body and the colour started to return to her cheeks. It would be a while before she can get back to normal for good. She can't run or play sport, but she doesn't mind watching me play football. She missed most of her classes so has to take them again. Which is good, because I have to repeat all the subjects I missed as well, so we have plenty of opportunities to hang out together.

We take things slow, Tess is still reluctant to plan out the entire future, but she knows I bought a ring and I intend to marry her.

I know she intends to say yes.

There are good days and there are bad days. Days when she's exhausted, so we stay in and watch movies and be quiet. And there are _great_ days as well, the one's we have – a day spent at the beach, a drive down the coast, making love in our big white bed - and the one's we have to look forward to – graduation and travel and the wedding. I've never loved someone as much as I love Tess.

It's our third Christmas together. There are presents under the tree in our apartment and she smiles her stunning smile. She's been cancer free for a whole year, but we don't take anything for granted anymore. We don't take each other for granted. I tell her that I love her every chance I get, just so she doesn't forget.

_Fin_


End file.
